If ineffective communication skills are causing you and your partner frustration, here are three things that can immediately make a difference.
1. Put down the phone.
That’s right. Do you know how many people complain about their partners being on the phone when they would like to have a conversation? A lot. Even the best multitasker is unable to fully concentrate on two things at the same time. That’s why you’re having difficulty remembering what was said.
Agree on a time when you will both put the phones away, in another room, a drawer, etc. You can check them every hour or so if you’re concerned about missing an important communication, but that’s it. Eat your meals without phones present. Have a conversation. Look at each other. Connect. Talk about your day- the good and the bad. Share your thoughts.
Ask questions. Do this for a week. Notice any difference?
2. Active Listening.
We all want to feel heard, understood and validated. Active listening means being engaged and present during the conversation. You observe verbal and non-verbal cues and respond appropriately. That could be with a nod of the head to show you are paying attention and hear what is being said or responding with a phrase such as “I see” or “I understand”.
Another technique of Active listening is to repeat back what the person has just said-either verbatim or paraphrasing. However, it’s important that you’re listening carefully so that you understand correctly. You can also say “If I understand you correctly you said…”, and then repeat back what you heard. If you heard incorrectly or you’ve interpreted what the speaker said incorrectly, they will correct you. This is a very powerful tool. The act of repeating back seems very simple but you will be surprised at how meaningful it is to the speaker that wants to be understood.
3. It’s not what you say but how you say it.
I see this time and time again with my clients. The information they are imparting can be accurate and valid, however the way it comes across can be mean, hurtful or condescending. The way we speak is just and important as what we are saying. If you want to be heard, work backwards. In other words, think about the best possible outcome you would like to experience.
Now, take the emotion out of it, and logically think about the best way to achieve that outcome. Is it through anger and sarcasm? Or would it be more effective to employ kindness and respect? What about your tone? It reveals a lot. We are much more receptive when spoken to respectfully and will therefore listen with an open mind. If we are spoken to in a rude or demeaning tone, we become angry and shut down. Choose your words carefully. Words are very powerful.
If you find it difficult to control your emotions, take a few deep breaths before you speak.
